There are days when I try really hard – to stay sane, stay productive, stay joyful, not frown – until I can’t anymore, and give up trying the hard way just when it feels like my head will explode. I give up on the desired outcome. I give up on the prospects. I give up on the vivid visuals of my daydreams going wrong. I feel my eyes burning, my head feeling lighter, my heart heavy, and my Ego tired. In a flash, I see the day’s hesitant start and its slouched end. Painfully, I wonder where the hours went, and how far I have come. Where did the Sun go – that rascal of a friend who blinds me every morning only to watch me appreciate its beauty and power later in the day? Light and shadow, wrapping themselves against, playing hide and seek underneath the leaves, imitate the lonely lucky bamboo plant on my desk, giving company. The brothers dance to the rhythm of a friendly breeze, my greedy plant joins in. At other times, when it rains, I open the windows to let the sound in, disrupt my procrastination, soothe the eager nerves, and watch.
Is my life easy? Something or probably a collective of things (or people) clubbed together with a jelly of sadism hammered in our minds – if it is easy, it must be wrong. What if I choose not to make it seem difficult? Yes, I have trouble getting by. Who doesn’t? Yes, I have trouble putting words to paper, often staring at the blank page for hours, but who doesn’t. Well, whoever does not is not going to make a difference in my life, or work, or my evaluation of whether my day has been fruitful. In all this chaos I ask if all this madness with the light and the shadows, and their depiction and representation, giving them life and taking meaning away seems crazy. Further, I ask, is it crazy enough? Yesterday I wished for the world to go blind and silent as I put words to paper, and I am putting words to paper again. There is one thing that has been consistent in my life though – whenever I have struggled to put pen to paper, felt frustrated about the state of the world – inside and outside, gave in to that pit in my gut which doesn’t know right from wrong anymore, I have penned down my frustrations.
There are several projects in the works right now. Yesterday when I was tossing and turning in my bed, another came to mind, but I said to myself, let’s finish the ones we already have in the pipeline. And soon, I started to think about a project that has been bothering me for quite some time, a screenplay. I started imagining the movie. That was easy, for I love watching movies, even if they are yet to be produced and only screened in my mind. I started imagining the screen and then took a step back, I was behind the camera. What was I doing with the camera? How did I move? Did I move at all? Did I tilt? Did I pan? Or did I move in a way whose name I am not familiar with yet? I could see the subject and the bokeh behind her, I could see a shadow turning up at her back. I see her stealing a glance at the shadow and moving faster. She gets into her car. A crime has been committed and she was a witness. Just because the criminal is in a different country, a different culture where acceptance is looked at as a skill rather than a gift, will she forgive the criminal? What will God say? Who decides God’s will on Earth? Who enforces it? Who evaluates the enforcement? Lost in thought, she drove away. The criminal followed downstairs but she was long gone. He wanted to know what happened. He doesn’t. He will not. Is one a criminal if one doesn’t know that he has committed a crime?
Now I have found another way how my movie can end. Thank you.